I cannot take this at all, I swear. And today I don't mean the surgery.
I mean the seizures.
I started out having a pretty good day. Less anxious than the days before, and I even got good rest. Helped my aunt with some laundry, went to a birthday party, and saw Warm Bodies with my cousin. (Which by the way, is a wonderful and hilarious movie!) I didn't think anything could really ruin my night, to be honest. But I was so, so, so very wrong.
My aunt picked us up from the theatre, and on our way home we had to stop by H-E-B (grocery store). No biggie. Get in, get out. So everything goes fine! Grab our groceries, and before I know it we're at checkout. But checkout is where it went wrong.
I had a seizure in the freakin grocery store with NO aura, whatsoever. I ALWAYS have an aura. This just made no sense. Next thing I knew I was on the ground unable to speak. Cousin was rummaging through my purse trying to find my emergency medications. I could still hardly see. A nice man held my hand while I regained slight consciousness, helped me into a wheelchair, and wheeled me to the parking lot to our car. He was very kind and I wish I knew who he was so I could thank him.
But honestly, as he wheeled me out, I kept my head down. He thought it was because I could not hold my head up, but it was out of embarrassment. I always teach that we should never be embarrassed about our seizures. But there was something about today... It was the endless faces staring at me while I was on the ground. It was the confusion and hoping I didn't say anything that sounded too crazy. Why? Well, some woman was covering her daughter's eyes and ears.
When I got to the car I cried. I've never had a seizure around my aunt or cousin. I didn't know if I scared them or made them upset. I know my aunt understood. My aunt's son actually had seizures when he was a little boy. This seizure must have made me forget that or something. But it seems like I frustrated everyone else judging by the upsetting call from my parents. I know they were just worried, but why so upset when it isn't my fault?
I went upstairs to my cousin's room to lay down. I was hoping to rest a little. To close my eyes and forget the frustration. But I broke down and started to cry hard in front of everyone because I just can't do this anymore. I hate these seizures that come out if nowhere and ruin a great day. They leave you with a headache the size of Texas and so many worries that there's no room to smile. You just keep wondering what you said, or what you did... or what you looked like. And most of the time we'll never know. That's the hardest part.
I just can't take it anymore. I don't deserve these seizures. They're too much for me to take. They're too much for all of us to take. No one deserves or needs them. I want to KILL Epilepsy. Thank God for this surgery. Now can you please give me the strength to go through it? That's all I seem to be missing... So here I am sick to my stomach like you wouldn't believe, crying again, begging the Lord for the strength. I feel so weak that I can hardly even write this.
11 days until surgery. Lord, please give me the strength... I forgot how to be strong like I once was, and I don't have long to learn how to be strong again. 11 days... A week and four days....